~Note: This is an excerpt from my new book. It is an unpolished draft, but that has never stopped me from making blog posts before. There are references that may seem out of place because it is an excerpt, not a stand alone piece. The book is about the tools I developed to unpack my emotional baggage and repair my life~
Forgiveness is For Yourself
If you can learn to deal with your issues as they arise, you will be a more well-balanced adult. From what I see around the world, that is unfortunately uncommon. Everyone thinks they are messed up and that everyone else has it figured out.
As if you missed a special day of school where they gave out the secret of life. Nope. We are all screwed up, some more than others. We think we are the only abnormal ones, but what is “normal?” If we are all screwed up in some way, then “screwed up” is normal. I wanted to rise above that.
Realizing this really helped me deal with others better. Most of the time that someone hurt me emotionally or physically, it was, quite frankly, not personal. They were damaged people reacting poorly. I was the unfortunate target, and I was usually reacting poorly as well. This does not excuse bad behavior, but it helped me understand it.
It seems a bit counter-intuitive to say hurting someone is not personal, but I believe quite often it is true. If I hurt someone and they react by hurting me back, their choice is a bit personal, of course. What about unprovoked anger? When I lashed out at someone, was it actually provoked, or were they just a convenient target for my anger?
Some people are just looking for a fight. You may simply be the closest target. Happy people share happiness. Miserable people share misery.
Over the years of unpacking my baggage (and there were many), I was able to deal with the smaller issues and start on the big stuff. Schoolyard bullies, kids, and teachers were pretty easy to let go of after thirty years. Family issues were numerous and much harder to unpack. Some of the abuse would surface and get put back in the bag to be worked out later, much later.
My father was a very angry man. He wanted to be a good man, a good husband and father, a good provider. He was none of these things, and that made him angrier. None of this was my fault, and I could do nothing about it at the time, but in retrospect, I can understand him better. He spent years trying to deal with his pain but never had any luck until he was in his late sixties.
It was not really his fault either. It was just life. Life is pain. At least that was the lesson of my youth (and a great quote from the movie The Princess Bride).
Once you understand that we are all basically the same, you realize we are all flawed in some way. As I learned to see others as struggling people, just like me, it was impossible to stay mad. Instead of anger and pain, I began to feel compassion for their struggles. Compassion replaces anger and leads to a very natural forgiveness. It was the logical next step.
Forgiveness is really for you, not the offending party. I have heard that holding a grudge is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. Half of the junk I was carrying around was caused by dead people. Well, they are dead now, not when they caused it. These folks are long dead; why am I still carrying around their trash?
Forgiving them will do nothing for them; it is for me, to move forward. Forgiving the dead is easier because it is all in the past. For the ones still living, I can forgive them, let go of the issue, and move forward. But that does not mean I have to let them back into my life. I am not holding a grudge, but I do not have to share dinner with you.
Late in my father’s life, we made up, somewhat. It was more like we just accepted life, accepted each other, and went to dinner. My siblings questioned how I could spend time with him and let him be around my kids.
I certainly understand their concerns, but they did not understand that I really had moved on. I am not going to hold a grudge for the past, but I will be careful going forward. He had been doing a lot of work on himself, and we met in the middle. Once I dealt with my issues, staying angry was simply not an option, but I never let him be alone with my kids.
I generally do not cut someone out for past actions; it is usually based on their current actions and attitudes. This is why I cut my father out of my life for a while. Cutting a toxic person out of your life can be very healthy. It is no different than removing cancer from your body.
Had my father never tried to improve and grow, I would not have allowed him back in. There are toxic people that you just have to let go. I am not going to let others drag me down to their level. There is no reason to take abuse from someone just because they are a relative or an old friend.
Because I had learned to practice non-attachment, it is fairly easy for me to let them go. It can still be painful, even when it is needed, but cutting someone or something out of your life may be the right move for you at that time. I need to move on, and they are not dragging me back. I can forgive someone for past transgressions. It does not mean I need to let them stay around to do it again.
Cutting out the toxicity is one of the last things I did, after unpacking my emotional baggage, but it was such a relief.
Photo by Simon HUMLER on Unsplash
